Category Archives: Uncategorized

Mingling with the “Normies”

Uncategorized

I have few friends. This is not new.  My side of the wedding party was all relatives, whereas my husband had mostly friends.  I have trouble making and keeping friends.  I am pretty high-strung ( anxious) and don’t talk much. And, then I flake because I get stressed or symptomatic and no one understands that.

So, the few friends I have are from working/volunteering/meetings having to do with mental health issues.

I decided to branch out and meet new people.  I checked out meetup.  I looked at hiking groups, but honestly I am not in shape and dog meetups, but my dog is unpredictable and nervous.  I finally found one that sounded about my speed.  It is mothers with grown children. Mine are 21 and 18 and although my youngest is home, he does not need me as much. They meet for walks, lunches, that sort of thing.

The first one I went to was a happy hour.  I could have drank water or coffee, but I had a margarita.  That was the only way I would get through this. (I have no idea where I am going with sobriety, I did not realize how much alcohol can be a part of social events). I met this huge group of women.  We were sitting around the table and I was just listening and someone asked my hobbies.  I can usually get away with the few things I do.  I spend time with my family, play with my dog, surf the internet.  Apparently, that was not good enough, and they wanted me to come up with a bucket list.  Eventually, it was time to leave. Thank goodness!

I recently went to a second event.  A paint and sip.  It was fine at first.  We were talking as a big group.  Then people broke off into smaller groups.  I noticed I was not part of any group.  I tried to join in and then walked off and did my own thing.  Then it was time to paint.  The people around me said they draw stick figures so I thought I was in good company.  Everyone came away with a good looking painting except me.  My family was kind.  It is hard to get an idea without the sample but this is my finished work.

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I am signed up for another group next month, a walk and lunch. I figure one a month is enough.

It is so much easier talking to people with a mental health condition.  They get it. I don’t have to hide anything.  I don’t feel judged for not having an interesting hobby.

so, I am mingling with “normies” but very appreciative of my friends.

A Doodle of How I Feel

bipolar, life lessons, Recovery, schizoaffective, schizophrenia, Uncategorized, , , , ,

I am not good at drawing, but I doodled a picture of how I feel.  It is me with my hands on my ears with thoughts racing a million miles a minute. Yelling Stop in my head.

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But, to the world around me, I seem fine.

How to Talk to a Person: my response to how to talk to people with X disorder

DBT, life lessons, mental illness, psychosis, Recovery, schizophrenia, stigma, Uncategorized, , ,

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You have seen the articles. How to talk to a schizophrenic or how to deal with someone with borderline personality disorder as examples.

I am not saying they do not have useful observations. After all, these are published by practitioners with much experience. Having contracts in a therapy relationship and firm boundaries is normal. Controlling your partner is not.

I just read such an article by Nancy Carbone, a couples therapist in Australia. It is a year old and I don’t mean to point a finger at her, it is just an example. I don’t happen to have a BPD diagnosis. I do not like articles on how to deal with other types of people, clumping us all together.

The first thing you should do, if you want to communicate with people is learn active listening and other communication skills. Maybe, if you pay attention to what you may consider nonsense, you will see there is more there.

If the articles on schizophrenia were about actually trying to communicate, like writing the key points down if the person is distracted by voices, I would not dislike these articles so much. That is not what these are about, though. It is “tough love” or I know what is better for you. It is about dealing with someone who is flawed and somehow that makes you superior.

I welcome comments. Sometimes I have knee jerk reactions and if I am off-base I want to know.

Brain on Fire : a review

Autoimmune, Brain, Encephalitis, mental illness, schizophrenia, Uncategorized, ,

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I just finished watching a movie on Netflix called Brain on Fire. I am going to post spoilers so if you have not watched it, go, get the book if you can’t get the movie. Don’t forget to come back.

I have trouble watching shows. If they don’t hold my attention, I do something else. This was one I watched all the way through.

It is a true story of a young woman who gets ill and no one knows the cause. All the tests are normal. The Drs suggest that she is working and partying too hard. Later they come up with bipolar and schizophrenia. She has seizures, acts manic, gets catatonic. It is a mystery.

A specialist is brought in. He has her draw a clock and she only daws numbers on one side. Then he knows there is something wrong with one side of her brain. They do a biopsy of her brain, which they made it look like a simple procedure.

The results come back and she is diagnosed finally. It is an autoimmune encephalitis. And, there is treatment. She had to relearn how to walk and talk, like she had a stroke. At the end Susannah ponders how many people have been mis diagnosed with a mental illness.

Then, right after I finished the movie, my friend posted an article from bp magazine about autoimmune encephalitis.

Bphope.com

Weight: you gain some, you lose some

Calories, Fitbit, mental illness, Myfitnesspal, Uncategorized, Weight gain, Weight loss, Zyprexa, ,

 

weight gain and psych meds seem to go hand in hand.  I gained 25 lbs when I started depakote.  I did an Atkins diet and lost the weight but I did not find that sustainable for me.  Zyprexa, I gained 5 lbs typing the  name, works really well at controlling mania for me, but I got fat and I did not care. Until someone asked, seriously, when was I due.

at my highest I was 198 lbs.  i tried calorie counting with my fitness pal.  It is a huge database of foods and their nutritional value. You type in what you ate and it calculates calories and nutrients,  you enter info about yourself and how much you want to lose and it tells you how many calories to eat.  There is a forum community that you can ask questions.  I lost 15 lbs, but stopped.

now, i am back. It adds the calories i burn from my fitbit steps, so i don’t feel too deprived.  I am basically eating the same foods, just smaller portions.  The badge above counts from when i started at 198 lbs.

I am not sure why the meds cause weight gain. I know I get hungry and really tired. I don’t know if they affect metabolism, too.

i have sleep apnea. I wear a specially made mouthguard and a belt that keeps me sleeping on my side. Not terrible fashionable, but I can sleep better. When I did not have it I was always tired. Now, i am able to work a few hours and walk my dog.

Weight loss is not easy, especially on these medications. I went from obese to overweight. My goal is a normal bmi.

Mental Health Conference

Coping skills, DBT, mental illness, psychosis, Recovery, relapse, schizoaffective, schizophrenia, support groups, Uncategorized, , ,

i went to a conference today. There were 32 workshops..

the first i went to was on Borderline Personality Disorder. It was very informative and i learned a lot.  The next was on support groups, that was good. There were a number of organizations represented.

the last one i went to was “ask the doctors” on schizophrenia. It was an open forum for people to comment, and ask questions. There were suggested questions on the screen.

one of the questions was, “what has worked for you?”  I would have loved to hear the answers to that one.

one thing that worked for me, was talking to people with similar experiences, either on-line or in person. I went to dbsa support groups, nami connections and eventually started a group affiliated with the national organization, schizophrenia alliance. I don’t run the group anymore, but i am glad it is still going.

another thing, that is a little different, was when i was very troubled with auditory hallucinations, my psychiatrist found a way to communicate. He wrote words while he spoke, circling and crossing out important words.

no, one had asked what my experience was like when i had a psychotic break. They asked about symptoms, but not what were the voices saying or what the messages were. Not until i saw a therapist who seemed interested. It felt lke a relief to be able to tell my story.

i would love if anyone would share what has helped them

 

 

You May Not Be a Match

Donation, Marrow, mental illness, psychosis, schizoaffective, schizophrenia, stigma, Uncategorized, , , , ,

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I was removed from the bone marrow registry when I updated my health information. They sent me an email saying they have volunteers and it was a safety issue. I didn’t think about it until someone mentioned they were turned down to donate blood because they have schizophrenia. It is not the medications we take that are the problem. They fear we are a danger.

I was not really looking forward to donating, but with waiting lists it seems like they would not want to turn people away.

Give the gift of #stigma

I can understand that I can’t purchase life insurance. My diagnosis is associated with committing suicide. I am not unreasonable. But, assuming I am dangerous without asking any questions besides my diagnosis is infuriating

 

The Abyss

DBT, depression, distorted thinking, support groups, Uncategorized, , , ,

I won’t pretend to know what Nietzsche meant by “the abyss gazes into you”. The quote came to mind as I feel like I am at the edge of an abyss, gazing into the void. I feel empty. I am ashamed of who I am. If people knew who I really am they would turn away in disgust. I want to disappear. 

I spoke of how sad I am. How I feel I have done terrible wrongs and should be banished, at a support group for mood disorders. The moderator talked about dbt and eventually got around to mindfulness. I have been trying that, but there are too many thoughts. It is hard to focus. Then he mentioned that my self-deprecating thoughts could be a symptom of borderline personality disorder.

That would have been fine, if he had a basis to suggest that, but he just pulled it out if thin air. I went home looking at the symptoms and anxious to talk to my therapist. I was a little anxious going in and very agitated by the end of the meeting. I had trouble getting any words in, it felt like a competition to speak.

I texted my therapist this morning and she wondered why he would have suggested that. She said my thoughts could go along with a number of diagnoses, including depression. And, I am depressed.

I usually find the meetings helpful, but lately I have been leaving feeling worse than when I came.

I get up and face my obligations, but I feel like hiding. “Fake it till you make it.” I never really liked that expression, but I am doing it.

If you got this far, thank you

tl:dr Depression makes everything worse

Hypocrite much?

alcoholism, depression, relapse, suicide, Uncategorized, , , ,

 

imageI feel like a sham

i tell people coping skills, but I have trouble doing them myself. My therapist told me to try mindfulness. I know what it is. I recommend it. But, my mind spins so much,  i can’t be “mindful”

i have trouble breathing, cbt is out the window, i can’t seem to act as if, if as if is that things don’t suck.

my life is fine, i am fixated on the past. And, that i can’t change it.

and of course, i suck, i suck, i suck!

i slipped and drank, too, which i feel bad about, but if it is drinking or suicide, i don’t think it will hurt.

i am safe. I am afraid i would mess up, as usual, and make my life worse.

i can’t be sick. It is not a good time. It is a very bad time.

Sometimes 80% understanding is enough

mental illness, support groups, Uncategorized, , , ,

support

I have not been feeling well. Depressed and anxious, a little paranoid. I decided to go to a support group. I was hoping I would feel better, sometimes I feel worse afterwards. Lately, I have been getting agitated and frustrated during support group meetings. I am not sure why. I wasn’t sure if i should go. I did not need to feel worse.

I was the first to share. I just let everything out. The suicidal thoughts, sadness, anxiety. I told them I was anxious about past work experience and now i have a new job and it is change and I am already upset about work. And, the past is never going to change.

Many people were depressed there. I listened to others and could feel the pain. I tried to give support. I could not express myself the way I would like.

This moderator tends to talk a lot. Sometimes, I find it annoying, but not that night.  He seemed to get what i was saying and made sure i am safe. (I am). He and others validated my experience. No one seemed to get the unbearable shame I feel. The moderator tried explaining to me that the path you take leads you to where you are and that I would not be me if things were different.  I knew what he meant, but it did not apply to what I was saying. Maybe, I was too vague.

I accepted the feedback and felt supported. I think I was understood about 80% and that has to be good enough.  I did feel validated and heard.