Tag Archives: anxiety

My Story of Forgiveness

Forgiveness, mental illness, relationships, Uncategorized, , , ,

Originally published PsychCentral

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/triple-winner/2017/07/my-story-of-forgiveness-and-mental-illness/

forgiveness-1767432_1280

My mother came to visit recently. We have a past issue between us, that I have not been able to forgive. It has to do with when my brother was very symptomatic with a mental illness during my teen years. I have avoided talking about it. She always seems to want to keep to light, happy news and it never seemed appropriate,

She has changed lately. Become a little more down to earth. She brought the issue up on her own and told me of one thing she had done over those years. She had checked out housing for my brother, and told me that she had done all she could. She believes she did everything. I don’t think I did everything. I feel we failed him.

The best thing I can do is let go of the resentment. I will also have to work on forgiving myself another time.

It is hard for me, but, as Lily Tomlin says, “Forgiving is giving up all hope for a better past.”

I think it will help me mentally to not have this bitterness inside and forgiving can protect against the tolls of stress.1

I am trying to have compassion for how my mother must have viewed things. I know she has a lot of anxiety. Maybe, she did/does feel helpless.

There was a lot I did not understand at the time, and still don’t. Mostly, I feel guilty that I had a second chance after a breakdown that did not happen for my brother.

I still have some bitterness. I am a work in progress and forgiveness will take time.

The rest of my siblings have moved on. Maybe things did not trouble them as much or they are more forgiving.

I am hoping to build happier memories with my mother in the future.

She wouldn’t understand if I said it to her, “For what?” but “Mom, I forgive you”.

The Stigma of Co-Occurring Disorders

alcoholism, anxiety, Co-occurring, Dual diagnosis, mental illness, Recovery, schizoaffective, stigma, Uncategorized, , , , , ,

In my opinion, this is my best yet 🙂

Originally published on Psych Central
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/triple-winner/2017/03/the-stigma-of-co-occurring-disorders/

There is a great deal of stigma attached with both mental illnesses and addictions. That is one reason I talk about my experiences. So, others won’t feel alone, and, to put a face to these conditions. It is scary to get a diagnosis of a life-long mental health condition that all you have heard are extreme negatives. People can lose hope. And, people fear what they don’t know.

I also have shame, or self-stigma. I have worked on accepting the schizoaffective diagnosis and at this point am okay. There was a time when I felt, less than, because of the severe symptoms. Now, I know I could not control what happened in the past, and just work on staying stable.

Social anxiety is something I contend with daily, and I cannot seem to prepare enough. I don’t know if I can ever accept how limiting it is for me. There are some things, like volunteering at my children’s school events, that are just too busy for me. I cannot enjoy shopping or parties, I just want an exit. I have worked very hard on this and work with people now and even do public speaking, but it is difficult.

The alcohol addiction label is new to me. In the program I am doing, SMART Recovery, they don’t give labels. But, I need to call it something. The drinking is not new, just the acknowledgement.

There are choices of programs for changing addictive behaviors. Some people work more than one at a time. This was just one that seems to fit my philosophy. It uses cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) principles and I already learned some of those for my anxiety.

I haven’t had serious consequences from drinking. No DUIs or jail time, No relationship problems. But, I drink more than I would like to and it is hard for me to abstain completely.

When I started this blog, I decided I would like to write about the alcohol component along with the mental illness. So many of us have co-occurring disorders. I was excited, and then, I paused. What will people I know think when they see ‘alcoholic’?

Then I giggled. First, because I can’t decide which is the lesser of 2 stigmas (it doesn’t matter). And then, because they all have seen me drink. It isn’t really a surprise.

The secret is that I am working on it.

Info on SMART Recovery
http://www.smartrecovery.org/

Info on Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)
http://www.aa.org/

Coping With Schizoaffective Disorder

anxiety, bipolar, Coping skills, life lessons, mental illness, psychosis, schizoaffective, , , , , ,

Originally published Psych Central
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/triple-winner/2017/03/coping-with-my-mental-health-symptoms/. (Archived)

With schizoaffective disorder and social anxiety, I have a number of different types of symptoms to cope with.

For me, psychotic symptoms can be the hardest to deal with. The first thing I turn to is medication. I have tried a few of the newer atypical anti-psychotics and fortunately, I respond well. It takes more than medication alone, though.

Some things that can help people cope with psychotic symptoms:

• Help from others– I have issues with fatigue and motivation. If someone can help me with chores: childcare, housecleaning, cooking it is a big relief.
• Music– Listening to music can help drown out voices.
• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) – This is a type of therapy based on moving from distorted thinking to more rational thinking. It can be used to treat people with psychotic symptoms, but anyone can have distorted thinking.
• Asking– If I trust someone I can ask them to help me determine what is real.
• Acting “As If” – I can act like consensus reality (what everyone else believes) is real. The longer I do the more I start to believe it.
• Psychiatric Service Dogs– Dogs can be trained to perform specific functions that help with your disability.
• Technology– Apps like snapchat can be used to verify that what you are seeing is real.

My mood symptoms are varied. I rarely am euphoric. I am more typically irritable and paranoid. Or sad and anhedonic. But, I can be reckless and impulsive. Some things that help me with different mood symptoms. (There is overlap with the different coping skills):

• Support groups – A number of organizations have support groups for people with mental health conditions. Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) and National Alliance on Mental illness (NAMI) are two national organizationsOkay.
• CBT– like I mentioned above this is a type of therapy that helps with distorted thinking. Distorted thinking can lead to depression and CBT can help your mood.
• Acting against Impulse– This is a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) technique. If your first impulse is to do something reckless, push yourself to do the opposite.
• Talk Therapy– This goes for all the sections, but if I am irritated at something specific my therapist can help me put it in perspective.

For now, I have my psychotic symptoms pretty well under control and my depressions are mild. I haven’t been manic in years. I am still plagued by anxiety. Here are some of my anxiety coping skills:

• Breathe– I take a deep breath and let it out slowly to help me calm down.
• Visualization– I picture an event coming up, going well and I don’t get so nervous about it.
• Routine– I take my medications and go to bed, wake up at the same time, plan for change ahead of time.
• Journaling– getting my thoughts out helps me to organize them and take some of the emotion out.
• Calling someone-talking to a friend helps me to not feel alone.
• Avoiding over-stimulation– Sometimes I just need quiet time. A big crowded place is too busy for me.
• Breaking Tasks into Pieces-If I try to take on a project all at once I freeze, but if I break it up into more manageable pieces I can get it done.
• Socialize- I tend to isolate which isn’t healthy so if I am invited out, I push myself to go. I usually have at least an okay time, it is just getting out the door.

Feeling Exposed

alcoholism, anxiety, disclosure, life lessons, mental illness, schizoaffective, writing, , , , ,

I have social anxiety and used to barely interact with others. Enough to do my job, get my groceries, but not much more. I have slowly been building on that and as far as overcoming my anxiety- I think I have come a long way.

I have been slowly disclosing information about myself to others. People close to me and people I don’t know. I give talks on my experience with mental illness for NAMI. I have been blogging on a private site. I made a YouTube video and did periscope chats. I have been posting more personal info on social media.

Now, I am blogging out in the open and I feel vulnerable. I showed my co-worker some articles I wrote and he followed a link here. It is fine. That is what it is there for. But, I felt like he was reading my diary at the same time.

And, I put a disclaimer on twitter that my views don’t represent my employer. I know you have to be careful what you say. My work knows about my mental illness. I work in the field. I just was pretty casual on the more private site. I worry I am going to get comfortable and say the wrong thing (like complain about someone or something).

And, I just announced some things about myself that people didn’t know. Not everyone that follows me on Twitter knew of my mental health or alcohol abuse issues. I feel like I need to explain everything, right now.

What Did I Get Myself Into?

anxiety, life lessons, mental illness, Uncategorized, writing, , , , ,

I am blogging for Psych Central. I have published 2 posts so far.

Shameless plug:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/triple-winner/

 

It is about schizoaffective disorder and alcoholism.

I am supposed to write about 2 posts/week.

Did I mention I am really insecure and worry a lot and am a bundle of nerves????

I am so afraid I am going to run out of topics.

Or crash and burn in some humiliating fashion.

 

I already have 2 ideas for next week.

It is just the “what if?

I am going to try to stay in the present.

 

 

Perpetual Patients

bipolar, DBT, life lessons, mental illness, Rapid cycling, Uncategorized, , , ,

I  don’t know if I do this. It is easier to recognize in others. Every bad day is depression, any agitation is mania. They tell you every morning how many hours they slept the night before.

A friend was telling me much of what people think are mood swings have to do with distress tolerance and has more to do with therapy than medication. Specifically DIaletical Behavioral Therapy(DBT).

I don’t know if that is correct. I don’t think everyone that rapid cycles really has a personality disorder. That was what he seemed to be eluding to. But, if you can’t get mood swings under control and you can get into a DBT program that could be an option.

I want to be well and in recovery. I know I can relapse, but I try not to worry. The longer I go without psychotic symptoms, the more assured I get that it will stay this way. I get some minor dips. They don’t seem like they will end, but they do.

My major issue is anxiety. I have made great progress. At one point, I would just go to work and come home. I would shop at night and avoid people. Now, I work with people and even do some public speaking (I am not a good speaker, but I do it).

I think if you spend too much time focusing on possible symptoms you miss out on  what is around you.

image

Breathe

life lessons, mental illness, schizoaffective, schizophrenia, Uncategorized, , , ,

sunset2

Not long ago, I volunteered at a state conference for NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness. I was able to see a few speakers throughout the event.

One lecture I went to was on schizophrenia. I was very interested since I have a thought disorder (schizoaffective disorder). The psychiatrist speaking was a good speaker, intelligent and down to earth. He spoke about getting through the illness and to the person.

There was time for questions. Hands were raised and you could also fill out questions on paper. I filled out the paper and waited, but he never read mine. The audience was mostly clinicians and family but there were a few others with the diagnosis, like me.

Afterwards, there was time to talk with the speaker. i waited for my turn. Finally, I got to ask him my question. He said he had not read it because there really is no answer. I asked about remission. I have been stable for years. I have pretty much not had psychotic symptoms for 10 years (I am on medication). But, still I wait for the other shoe to drop. When is it going to happen again?

My question was “When can I take a breath and not worry about relapse?” His answer was simple. “Breathe Everyday”. You aren’t having symptoms now. Enjoy the moment.

Originally published in “Invisible Illness”

View at Medium.com

Except

anxiety

I am doing well

except

I am really tired most of the time

I am doing well

except

my hands tremble noticeably

I am doing well

except

I am a ball of anxiety

I am doing well

except

sometimes i am so anxious I just tune out which makes me more anxious

I am doing well

except

I get overwhelmed at the drop of a hat

I am doing well

except

I would rather be numb than feel some emotions

I am doing well

except

I have trouble sleeping through the night

I am doing well

except

I spend my life on-line

that is what I mean when I say I am doing well

originally published in Invisible Illness

https://medium.com/invisible-illness/except-981292de8fb6#.xbyc4wk3l

View at Medium.com

‘High’ Anxiety

alcoholism, anxiety, CBT, Stress Reduction, , ,

anxiety

How I learned to cope with stress without alcohol

I was at a SMART recovery meeting tonight. We were talking about how we deal with stress. I used to turn to the bottle to avoid uncomfortable emotions. Awkward social situations seemed easier. Anxiety didn’t feel as painful. But, as I mentioned in the meeting, I am in my 50s learning to handle things, like speaking in a group, that others do in their teens.

I have since learned a number of stress reduction techniques and aids and each helps a little. The little bits add up and I am able to function. Enough, that people notice a big difference.

One of the first things I did was find I have social anxiety, which was pretty much a “no-brainer” and is the lesser of my psychological problems. There are all kinds of treatments for anxiety and phobias. I take a ssri medication that helps with anxiety and depression. It helps, some. It isn’t a crutch to rely on medication.

The next thing I do is breathe. I take deep breaths and concentrate on my breathing. Then I visualize. I picture something coming up, going well.

I stick to a routine. Not so much that my days are boring but I try to have sleep schedule and take my medications on a schedule. I also try to plan for change ahead of time.

I once took a 12 week cognitive behavioral therapy (cbt) group course. We all rated our anxiety and depression throughout the course and everyone’s went down. We used a workbook called “Mind Over Mood”. It is about having balanced, rational thoughts and not negative or irrational ones. SMART is based on cbt and Rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT).

I had a time when I was depressed where I had trouble with the laundry. I would wash and dry, but folding and putting it away seemed like an impossible task. So, I had this mountain of clean clothes. I would pass it by and cry. I told a friend and he said “Do smaller loads” which sounds simplistic, but it worked. It made it manageable and I could handle the smaller amount. Now, I take that into other areas. If I have a large task, I break it into smaller pieces. Otherwise, I freeze and nothing is accomplished.

Journaling or blogging helps me get the anxiety out or calling someone to talk about what is bothering me. I also go to therapy.

I tend to isolate and being alone can lead to trouble, so if I am invited out, I push myself to go. I usually have an okay time, it is just getting out the door.

A life without stress would be stagnation. You need some stress. You just need to know how to deal with the stress that comes so it doesn’t overwhelm you.

I still have challenges with sobriety and go to meetings. These are some tools of mine that help make the urges not so powerful.

Reposted From Medium