Category Archives: Uncategorized

Spravato

depression, ketamine, mental health, mental illness, spravato, Uncategorized, , , , ,
Image woman relaxing in a recliner with headphones

I had first Spravato (ketamine nasal spray) treatment yesterday.  The man running the clinic was nice and explained everything.  You self administer the nasal spray.  I felt clumsy but it worked.  They gave 3 doses, 5 min apart. Checked blood pressure periodically and mostly just let me relax

It seemed to take effect pretty quickly. Things looked further away and I felt happy. Then, I felt an intense high where everything got brighter that seemed to last for about 15 min. Then I started coming down. Things looked normal. I had to be there for 2 hours until I was safe to leave. I was still wobbly but my husband picked me up and walked me out.

Some people get nauseous but I felt okay. It drips down your throat and tastes bad but it was tolerable.  I brought headphones and listened to a music playlist. I got a headache today so I took some electrolytes.

Overall it was pleasant.  I go back wed and go twice/week for a month and then psychiatrist decides taper. Some people stay on it long term maintenance, others feel they don’t need it and taper off.

What I have been up to   tw: sui

chronic illness, depression, suicide, TMS, Uncategorized, , , , ,
Warhol like image dog different colors

It has been a long time since I last wrote.  I got certified as a peer support specialist but full time work was too much for me.  I requested fewer hours and my psychiatrist wrote a note but my employer refused. I felt like I was either working or recovering and got very depressed.  I attempted sui but except for a trip to the er and a week long hospital stay, nothing happened.

I did 2 1/2 months of a PHP. It was okay. I did tms again and it helped but it seems to have worn off. I tried going back to work but nothing had changed and I got depressed again so I stopped working. I am applying for expedited reinstatement of SSDI but I don’t know if they are processing with shutdown.

I am looking into ketamine nasal spray treatment (spravato). My insurance approved it after months but I don’t have an appointment yet.  It is done in psychiatrist office and you can’t drive after.

I have not been doing much. My sleep is iffy and I am tired often.  I got akasithia from a medication and then had restless legs from another. I was really uncomfortable.

I have been playing with AI making pictures and memes.  I find it is a way to express myself, but I know there are downsides.

3 pics: dog with big eyes rainbow background (groovy), dog painting self portrait, me with my dog starry night background

It’s Been Awhile

career, diabetes, disability, keto, peer support, Uncategorized, Weight loss, work, , , , , , , ,

I have been working in mental health peer support. They recently brought certification to CA. I am glad we have standards and training. I did 80 hr training and am taking certification exam tomorrow. I think I am ready but I am nervous. I am going to a testing site. It is 2.5 hours. I think I will know right away if I pass.

I have been working part time. Lately 16 hr/week. I receive SSDI disability and have not earned enough to go over the limit. I recently accepted an offer for full time work. I am anxious that I won’t have the energy or it won’t work out for some reason. I will lose ssdi the first month because I will go over limit. Social security provides work incentives but I have used them all. The only one left is expedited reinstatement. After I lose disability pay I can apply and they expedite that. Hopefully, everything goes well and it is an unnecessary concern.

The job is peer support in housing. The clients have housing vouchers and we work as a team to get them in and keep them housed. The people I have met so far are nice. I start in May. There is a ton of onboarding: fingerprinting, physical, paperwork . I have to get a second tb test this week and get car inspected. Then I think I am ready. I am going on vacation at end of April and then start.

I am trying to get back on keto but I struggle. I live with husband and daughter and there are carby foods here that tempt me. I am going to sit down later this week and really think about what I want. I am doing keto to control diabetes but there are other avenues. My dr added rybelsus which is an oral semaglutide. I am losing really slowly at maximum dose. It does help me pause before impulsively eating. My glucose is better.

Sensory Coping Skills

anxiety, Coping skills, mental health, mental illness, relaxation, schizoaffective, schizophrenia, Stress Reduction, Therapy, Uncategorized, , , , , , , ,
Image: essential oil inhaler, sock, modeling clay, lemon heads and phone with image of bedroom with dog

My health insurance changed, so I have a new therapist. I have seen him twice, so far. I am doing well, so we may move to monthly appointments.

He went over some sensory and other coping skills and assigned me to get items. I have a post “Coping With Schizoaffective Disorder” https://lorib434.wordpress.com/2017/03/20/coping-with-schizoaffective-disorder/ These are additional tools

The first is a calming essential oil, like lavender. I don’t like that so I got chamomile and an inhaler. I was skeptical but I enjoy the scent.

The next was a photo of a safe scene.it could be a place in nature, whatever you feel is safe. I took a picture of my bedroom with my dog. That is my safe place.

Music. Something relaxing like rainfall or ocean waves. I found some nature sounds on YouTube.

Fabric, an item that is soft to hold. I bought a fuzzy sock at the dollar store.

Lemon drops or sour candy

Some other things he recommended:

Box breathing (inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale fir 4 seconds).

Exercise

Watch a funny show

Take a shower

Throwing something safe, like modeling clay

I told him I did not think I would do the throwing, but he encouraged me to try them all.  I bought clay but have not tried throwing it yet.

 

When I told him I have trouble getting in the shower. I don’t like to get cold. He asked if anything had happened in a bathroom or shower. I did not go into details but told him yes, when I was 8 years old. He told me to have all the coping tools and journal from the perspective of an 8 year old. I don’t know how to do that, so I journaled what I remember. I think the tools helped me stay calm. I don’t believe that has to do with me having trouble with showers, though.

Making coconut milk yogurt

Calories, coconut milk yogurt, diabetes, Fitbit, intermittent fasting, lactose intolerance, Medication, Myfitnesspal, Uncategorized, , , , ,
Image. Coconut Milk Yogurt, luvele.com

I recently discovered I am lactose intolerant. I just bought a yogurt maker and was making yogurt with half and half, which was a simple recipe, but now I am trying to switch to coconut milk. So far, I have had little success. I have made gelatin, which tasted okay but was definitely not yogurt. I had a batch that did not set and one that turned out sour. I used them in smoothies. They are fine to eat, but not what I am looking for.

I am using this recipe https://www.luvele.com/blogs/recipe-blog/best-dairy-free-gut-loving-coconut-yogurt-recipe. It does not seem too complicated but I am having trouble. I have a new batch going now. Fingers crossed it works. They have a different recipe that uses coconut cream that I will try next if this fails.

I probably would give up and just buy non dairy yogurt, but I want to use the maker. I don’t know what else it could be used for.

I have been making green smoothies, too. I drink them most mornings now. Our blender died after 20 years so we got one that makes smoothies and is durable. I put in ice, soy or coconut milk, spinach, cucumber, coconut milk yogurt, ginger, chia seeds, plant protein powder and blend. It is pretty filling.

Image coffee mug with coffee and coconut milk, green smoothie

My weight has been stalled since I had a medication change in June, but my glucose is good and I am in ketosis (on ketogenic diet). I had been logging my food on Cronometer but I think it was overestimating my energy expenditure so I switched to myfitnesspal. You enter your foods and it calculates the calories, carbs, fats, protein etc. I am not perfect at logging but it gives me an idea of where I am at. I have it linked to my Fitbit and scale.

I am still doing 14 hour fasts. It is not too difficult for me. I have not noticed any changes with fasting. I do feel a lot better now that I am not having much dairy.

Slippery Slope

12 step, AA, hams, harm reduction, moderation, peer support, sobriety, Uncategorized, , , , , , ,
Photo of hamster

I have stopped going to AA meetings.  I felt pressured to attend meetings and pray daily.  I am not religious and I did not find that part helpful.  There are things I gained.  I don’t think I would have stayed sober this long without starting with AA.  The accountability was helpful.

I belong to a couple of Facebook pages. Secular AA, Moderation Management and HAMs. (Harm Reduction, Abstinence and Moderation). We are called HAMsters. I am leaning towards trying to moderate drinking to about two times a year. We are going out of town over my birthday. Someone gave us a bottle of champagne and I plan to have some. Then I plan to go alcohol free until our wedding anniversary in October.

My therapist warned me it is a “slippery slope” and how do I not know I won’t go back to drinking more often. And, that I plan to drink because we have champagne makes no sense to her.  I feel like if I have a plan, I can stick with it.  And, that AA is not the program for me because I want to be able to drink occasionally, like twice a year.  I won’t be alone.  I won’t be driving.

Am I just asking for trouble?

Hearing What I Needed to Hear

12 step, AA, alcoholism, mental health, mental illness, schizoaffective, schizophrenia, sobriety, Uncategorized, , , , , , ,

90 days sober!

I went to a zoom AA meeting and someone said that you don’t try to control things that are already under control.  That was what I needed to hear.

I had all of these rules and thought my drinking was under control because: I didn’t drink and drive, I only drank in the evening, I got chores done before drinking, although I was pushing even those limits.

But, normal people just need one rule. Don’t drink too much.

I listed in a previous post how my life was unmanageable. I have to refer back to it to remind myself. I still have cravings even though I logically have decided I don’t want to continue drinking. I just remind myself of reasons I don’t want to drink.

I have schizoaffective disorder and I don’t want to interfere with stability, and alcohol does not play well with my medications. And, I am not very productive at home if I am drinking. Also, I think I was walking around with a mild hangover. My head feels more clear, I feel lighter now.

My head is spinning

12 step, AA, alcoholism, higher power, mental health, mental illness, peer support, schizoaffective, schizophrenia, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , ,

I have been thinking of a higher power and talking with people and now I don’t know what to think. My sponsor says all I have to do is believe something, anything, outside of myself could, possibly restore me to sanity. That I can do, but choosing what to believe in is more complicated. I have trouble believing in a man in the sky. I started with the Universe or nature. I feel more connected with the world outdoors. But, I don’t know how the Universe could help me. They say you can have the fellowship of AA as your higher power but I don’t know about turning my will over to the group

I talked to.my therapist about my issue with psychosis and she reassured me that it is unlikely I will start getting delusional. It has been 15 years since my last psychotic episode. She thinks my issue is with religion I am getting support and staying sober. I don’t like going to meetings every day and calling my sponsor everyday. My therapist thought maybe I should cut back but do something with that time I have trouble expressing what I want. My sponsor said I don’t have to do anything and that they are suggestions.


The meeting tonight was on step 2 and our higher power. People spoke about their faith or issues with religion. One woman said she can’t define her higher power but it helps her. I have been reading “Untamed” by Glennon Doyle. In the book she listens to an inner wisdom that she calls God. I know my inner voice could help me, but that is not something outside of myself.


My friend does not think I have a problem and should not identify with an illness. That gets me wondering if I really need something outside to restore me. Is that something you can do on your own? I think my mind is shattered in a way and I have been searching for someone/ something to repair it.


So far I am staying with AA because it is not hurting anything and I am sober

Gratitude

12 step, AA, alcoholism, mental health, mental illness, Recovery, sobriety, Uncategorized, , , , , ,

My sponsor has me send her a gratitude list. Five things I am grateful for every day, except when I forget. I have so much to be grateful for. My family, our dog, a home, food, furniture, our health and my sobriety, I am grateful my sponsor is understanding. I feel like my thinking is clearer. I have not had any other changes since stopping drinking that I have noticed.

I have moved onto Step 2. We read about agnostics and spiritual experiences in the big book.  She gave me an assignment but I will have to think about it.  I am not religious so she had me choose a higher power. I chose the Universe.  She wants me to write about how the Universe can help me.  I don’t know.  I will blog once I figure out what to write.

Today is Thanksgiving. I was invited to a relative’s but I have a cold, and my daughter wants to stay safe from Covid so we stayed home. I went to an AA meeting about gratitude by zoom. I am grateful for zoom meetings.I missed everyone but hopefully we can see them sometime soon.

1 day at a time

12 step, AA, alcoholism, Recovery, sobriety, Uncategorized, , , , ,

I made it past 30 days of sobriety. My sponsor mailed me a chip. It says 1 month on the front and the serenity prayer on the back. I just see her on zoom or talk over the phone because of Covid-19. I am still working on the first step. I wrote down reasons I am powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable in my last post.

Everything I wrote is true, but I still have trouble. I identify as an alcoholic in the meeting, but I don’t completely agree. They say all you need to join is a desire to quit drinking, which I do. So, I am part of AA day by day. Today I will go to a meeting and call my sponsor. I won’t worry about tomorrow until it gets here.