If you have wondered where I have been, I have hit a wall. I can’t think of what to write.  I will be back.

Modified from my post on PsychCentral

link

It has been noted that there seems to be a correlation between mood disorders and creativity. Many great artists, poets, writers, musicians have been troubled with mental health issues.: Ernest Hemingway, Carrie Fisher, Kurt Cobain, to name a few.

Jim Phelps, M.D. writes on his website how some evolutionary biologists believe that there is an advantage to having a small dose of bipolar genes (similar to having a trait), advantages like: creativity, courage, productivity. 1 The idea of having a bipolar trait is one theory.

There are people who worry that treating their disorder will cause them to lose their creativity. But, if you are manic you can have disorganized thinking and jump from project to project, which would have a negative impact on your art. There are other consequences of mania which I will discuss further, along with the typical depressive episodes.

The questions revolving around medication, mood disorders and how it impacts one’s creativity have been pondered, and displayed in movies, like, “Touched With Fire”, which follows 2 hospital patients with bipolar disorder and how they come to grips with losing mania through treating their disorder.

Mania or hypomania may sound appealing. That is unless you have dealt with them and the aftermath.

Some symptoms of mania include:2

• Feeling unusually “high” and optimistic OR extremely irritable
• Unrealistic, grandiose beliefs about one’s abilities or powers
• Sleeping very little, but feeling extremely energetic
• Talking so rapidly that others can’t keep up
• Racing thoughts; jumping quickly from one idea to the next
• Highly distractible, unable to concentrate
• Impaired judgment and impulsiveness
• Acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences
• Delusions and Hallucinations (in severe cases)

With impaired judgement one can run up bills they cannot afford, gamble away savings, have affairs, and other problems, that must be dealt with when the mania subsides.

I don’t just have traits of a mood disorder. I would not be able to function without my medication. It is not even a question; the risks of medication are worth the benefits for me.

I do have periods when I have increased energy. The thoughts flow faster. The ideas come easier. I usually have a lot of fatigue, so it is a change for me when it occurs . But, I have hit a roadblock now. My mind has stalled. I can get things done, but new ideas don’t come easily. There is nothing I know of that I can do. I just must try harder and wait for my mind to clear.

There is plenty of hope for treating mood disorders and for being creative while treatment compliant.

One reader suggested that the art continues though the form may change

1. http://psycheducation.org/the-biologic-basis-of-bipolar-disorder/chapter-5-the-big-picture/

2. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/bipolar-disorder/bipolar-disorder-signs-and-symptoms.htm

A giraffe staring

Smiling for the camera

April with baby

(I am hoping that giraffe has her baby tonight)

Continuing from the last blog, I went through my hurt feelings and emotions looking at things in pieces so I wouldn’t get overwhelmed. What it came down to is that my husband is spread so thin (he does a lot around the house, at work, for the kids’ activities) that he doesn’t have time to know who I am anymore.

He agreed to couples counseling.  I am afraid we might unearth some deep problems that I don’t know about, just because i have that type of fear. I don’t know where to start as far as finding a therapist. Do I throw darts at my insurance directory? I have been asking around for recommendations. I have one, but I don’t think he takes my insurance.

First published Psych Central

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/triple-winner/2017/04/sorting-emotions/

It started with my husband bringing me a drink at a party. He didn’t believe I had stopped drinking. He thought it was a nice gesture, and was encouraging me to at least taste it. I may have given in, but my son was there telling me not to drink. I talk, blog, about sobriety, go to meetings and he doesn’t believe me or notice. It made me sad.

The next day my husband was in a bad mood. Who knows why? He was grumpy, moody and wanted to be left alone. My automatic thoughts go to “Something is wrong and it’s my fault” “I’m no good” and I start guessing what could be wrong.

Was it the chores? I did random chores. Was he upset about having to make flight reservations? I took care of that.

Finally, I give up and decide to just ask. “You seem upset, is something bothering you?” He said no he was just in a bad mood. I was able to pause from feeling like a child and act like an adult.

I walked in my therapist’s office overwhelmed with negative thoughts and emotions. I had left a disagreement with a peaceful resolution, but hurt feelings. Feelings I didn’t know what to do with.

When I mentioned I had this pile of “stuff” to my therapist he said to think of it as a basket of laundry, not one of my favorite things. Then to deal with each “item” that is bothering me, one at a time. Compartmentalizing for the disorganized, perhaps.

I felt like he had been reading my mail, but maybe there are only so many metaphors. I have a problem with making associations between things that really aren’t related, due to my mental illness. This was similar to something I say in one of my talks, but it is just coincidence.

When I first was home from the hospital I was, fragile and would get overwhelmed easily. I couldn’t keep up with the laundry. I would clean it, but I would have a big pile of clean clothes that needed to be folded and put away. I would look at it and cry, it was too much.

I told a friend and he said, “Do smaller loads.” Which sounds simplistic but it made it manageable and now I do that with other tasks. I break them down into pieces. Otherwise, I freeze and nothing gets done.

So, I understand the concept, now to put it into action.

Edit: I will continue in next blog