I saw my therapist today.

My daughter moved into the dorms for her first year in college yesterday. We talked about that for a while. It is bittersweet. I am very happy for her, but it does feel different with an empty room. I got shaky when I was moving her in. I don’t think it was the lifting, but anxiety. There were so many people.

Once we got all of her stuff in her room, I said goodbye. My husband and son took her shopping for a few last things, and had lunch in the cafeteria. I would not have been able to eat.

I told therapist about the shaking. I was still doing it today. In the room my son was telling me to breathe in my nose and out my mouth to try to help. He is sweet. I told her when I came home from the last visit I was unsure how I felt. We had talked about the past, growing up, and it was uncomfortable. She asked me what I needed and I said some acknowledgement that parts sucked. The unpredictability.

I tried to be invisible and would do what I was told at home and keep a low profile, and stay away from home when i could. I told her i got into trouble with drugs and my boyfriend, but my parents were too preoccupied to notice or care. She thought that would upset me, that i went unnoticed, but it was my plan.

At one point I told my therapist I was “pulling back”. I guess I was dissociating. I was there but numb to any emotions.

i mentioned how once my mom was talking about my niece, saying really nice things. She brought up my daughter, for some reason, saying she is not the same or something. I said, i know and was agreeing with her, and said that my daughter is really good, but she is different. Then my mother said, ” well, I thought you were good, too.” It really bothered me because I thought she was insinuating my daughter might be up to something she isn’t. My therapist said, ” I don’t know what to say to that. There are so many levels.” And it came out of the blue when my mom said it.

This is so hard. My father is gone. My mom has changed some, for the better.

My therapist said, parents do what they can for their children, unless they are sociopaths, and that mine did not know how to do things differently, is that fair? I squirmed with that. Not the sociopath part. I know they did things the way they thought was the best. I don’t understand how they could think some things were okay to do, let alone good. if I can get past this it might be a breakthrough.

My dad once discouraged me from therapy, because he said you talk about the past and it makes you sad. As far as i know he had never had any therapy and I shrugged it off, but here I am. Talking about the past and feeling sad.