Tag Archives: mental health

Sometimes 80% understanding is enough

mental illness, support groups, Uncategorized, , , ,

support

I have not been feeling well. Depressed and anxious, a little paranoid. I decided to go to a support group. I was hoping I would feel better, sometimes I feel worse afterwards. Lately, I have been getting agitated and frustrated during support group meetings. I am not sure why. I wasn’t sure if i should go. I did not need to feel worse.

I was the first to share. I just let everything out. The suicidal thoughts, sadness, anxiety. I told them I was anxious about past work experience and now i have a new job and it is change and I am already upset about work. And, the past is never going to change.

Many people were depressed there. I listened to others and could feel the pain. I tried to give support. I could not express myself the way I would like.

This moderator tends to talk a lot. Sometimes, I find it annoying, but not that night.  He seemed to get what i was saying and made sure i am safe. (I am). He and others validated my experience. No one seemed to get the unbearable shame I feel. The moderator tried explaining to me that the path you take leads you to where you are and that I would not be me if things were different.  I knew what he meant, but it did not apply to what I was saying. Maybe, I was too vague.

I accepted the feedback and felt supported. I think I was understood about 80% and that has to be good enough.  I did feel validated and heard.

 

Depression sucks

depression, mental illness, suicide, Uncategorized, , , , ,

I don’t know if anyone else is like this, but I have trouble knowing how I feel.  I knew I was miserable and anxious, but until

depression

my therapist said I was depressed I did not notice.  Someone was trying to help me and asked what I get up for and my immediate response was “obligations”. I am there if I have to be, but otherwise I sleep my life away.

I had a terrible night Tuesday. Ruminating about the past and having suicidal thoughts- repetitively. I hardly slept googling different methods.  I could not figure out what to do, and then beat myself up because I am too stupid. I tried contacting people on the internet but no one is around at 3am.  Then, I thought it was a plot to ignore me to teach me a lesson.

Eventually daytime came. When it was a decent hour I texted my therapist and she called back.  I told her i was thinking about mistakes from the past and that because the past will never change i will always have these thoughts. I was hopeless, Sobbing like a child.  She tried calming me down and showed empathy. I did calm down some, enough to go to work. I was afraid I would start crying at work. I told my co-worker I was having a bad day, but I was there. And, I made it though the day.

I was drained that evening and slept through the night. I saw my psychiatrist today. Luckily, he did not overreact to the suicidal thoughts, they are gone right now, and just changed my medication a little. I am having trouble being hopeful. I feel pressure to stay well. I feel like I can’t get sick. That it would ruin everything.

The Gift

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I go to a support group for people with mood disorders.  Moods are part of schizoaffective disorder. The moderator likes to refer to our illness as a ‘gift’. Like we have special powers. He believes he is more creative, has deeper feelings, and I don’t know what else. He even said he would not take a cure if he would lose these things.  He is definitely pro-med, pro-treatment. He also sees more positives than I do.

If there was a cure, I would jump at the chance.  The bad things, far outweigh any benefits. If this is a gift I want to return it.gift3

DNA testing

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imageI have been interested in the different DNA tests available, like ancestry or 23andMe. (I am not endorsing any products).

At one time, I worked at a company that did DNA work.  I even met Francis Collins, one of the leaders of the human genome project, who was a consultant.

I was interested, but I was not sure if I wanted to have my dna results out there. What if they were used against me? That is not paranoia. Right now, there are laws against that. But, I think it is a legitimate fear.

Then I heard of Promethease. One of a number of websites that will analyze the raw data and compare it to scientific studies, mainly health related. I decided to give it a shot.

I ordered a kit from Ancestry.  I was not very interested in the heritage data, but I wanted the raw data results. You can get raw data from other dna kits, too. I have dry mouth from my medications, so it was not easy collecting the small saliva sample. Then I had to wait. It takes about 6 weeks. I found a distant relative, but for the most part the results were not too exciting.

Next, I downloaded the raw data from Ancestry and following the instructions, uploaded it on Promethease. It did not take long and I had MANY results.  They tell you what you are a risk for developing. It knew my eye color, diabetes, obesity ( I have what is called the fat gene). I have a number of genes associated with schizophrenia and one for bipolar and depression. It told me I am a risk for macular degeneration and breast cancer. I am sensitive to NSAIDS and caffeine. There are results about how you metabolize different medications.

23andMe has a health panel which gives similar results, but the Promethease analysis was free in Dec and is not expensive. I think it is regularly $10.

There are so many results, it is hard for me to read it all.

 

I was pleased enough with the results, I am having my dog dna tested, now. You can’t do anything with the raw data, but they give breed and health info.  You can share the results with your vet, too. (I don’t think my dr would want to look at my results). I am in the process of waiting until March.