What would an Orange County housewife be without a tagline. I am a Bravo TV fan and watch the housewife shows.
I am having trouble coming up with anything original. There are a few quotes I like.
“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”
Camus
or
“Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most”
Mark Twain
Maybe something along the lines of:
Schizoaffective disorder does not define me, but it has a strong presence in everything I do.
I like places that are peaceful and quiet. I would rather be alone than at a party.
When I was younger, I would barely speak. They called me shy. I have social anxiety. Now, I can speak in front of groups, although I still shake, but it took a lot of work. I am typically a bundle of nerves. I have a number of coping skills. They all help a little, and it adds up.
I have a list of different coping methods here:
https://lorib.blog/2017/03/20/coping-with-schizoaffective-disorder/
I don’t understand them well, but neurotransmitters rule my life. Too much dopamine and I get psychotic. Too little serotonin and I am depressed. Along with others like glutamate it is a delicate balance
I take medications and supplements to help restore the balance. They seem to be working. If only they did not come with side effects. My mouth is constantly dry to the point it is hard to talk. I usually carry a bottle of water everywhere. I am chronically fatigued which I believe is due in part to my medications. It is definitely worth those side effects to be functional
Chemical imbalance is one theory for mental illness. In my case it makes sense to me.
My word for the day is Hope.
I have high hopes:
Hopes that I will maintain mental stability
Hopes that I will continue to be able to work
I am content at the moment and I hope things only get better, or stay the same at least
My children are pretty much grown and I hope they have great futures
Having hope helps me to stay focused on my goals and not constantly worry about what could go wrong
Continuing the alphabet game with the letter F.
I have issues with my family of origin, but my little family (husband and 2 children + our dog) is very important to me. Thankfully, we are all doing well.
I worried about how having a mental illness would affect my children, but they are grown now and are great people. I grew up in fear and I am so happy they are not afraid of me.
Raider, my walking antidepressant helps keep me sane. He needs walks so I have to get out. He is someone to come home to until the rest of my family gets here. He follows me around, wants to be in the same room as me. He is cuddly and cute.
He has his own issues and anxiety. I am doing “mat work” so he has a place to go to and calm down and it is portable. I have to point for him to remember where to go. We will get there. He is doing good with loose leash walking and “look at me”. I don’t mind if he walks in front, but his trainer said pulling increases his cortisol, so I am getting him not to pull, mostly. And, his big issue is he growls when he has a special treat if you get near him. We are working on drop it and eventually leave it. He is doing awesome with that.
Caution is my word for today. I am a nervous wreck a lot of the time and would say I am cautious approaching new things. Being careful has it’s upsides but there are times I miss out due to my fears.
I struggle with feeling like I belong anywhere. My favorite times have been when I felt included in a group and not ignored. At work, often I am not included in potlucks or parties. Maybe it is because I work part time and people don’t know me well. I don’t mind.
I do wish I had just one person to be friends with. Everyone is friendly to me but I have no one to talk with.
I love this idea by Janet “endless rivers” https://endless-rivers.com/2019/08/26/the-alphabet-game/
I have not written anything lately and this may help me get back to it.
I will be going through the alphabet, starting with A, writing about things I like or experience. Feel free to join in but please credit endless rivers for the idea.
Ambivalence this is a feeling I am constantly getting caught up in. Should I, or shouldn’t I? My most recent was/is with alcohol. Do I want to abstain or try moderation? I have really cut back, but right now am focused on harm reduction and not drinking excessively or when I will be driving.
That is it for now. Stay tuned for more of the game
I am in a stage of ambivalence about drinking. I don’t know if I want to be 100% sober, but I don’t want to have the negatives from alcohol.
I did a cost benefit analysis, but still am unsure.
Health-wise, mental stability-wise, employment-wise I should at least only drink in moderation.
The main things I enjoy about alcohol: the way I feel, not as inhibited, something to do when bored and reduces my anxiety.
The things I don’t like are: getting sick, hangovers, health effects (mental and physical)
I went to a SMART Recovery meeting not long ago. If you don’t know what that is, it is on-line and in- person support for problem drinking. It is different from AA in many ways, but it is a sobriety program. At the end of the meeting I picked up brochures. One was on another support organization called HAMS. (Harm reduction, Abstinence, and Moderation support.)
There are very few online HAMS meetings, but they have a website with information and a forum. Members call themselves HAMSters. They don’t have steps but they have elements. They are suggestions on how to proceed but you don’t need to do them in order or do all. The first element was to make a cost benefit, pros/cons of using and pros/cons of not using. I have done them before, but did it again. I carry it around with me in case I forget why I want to drink less (or not at all).
The next element is to make a plan. Mine keeps evolving. I don’t drink and drive, which I want to continue. This was not an issue in the past, but I went to some meetup group meetings that included alcohol. So, if I go to those, I need to get a ride or stay sober. I know I want to reduce the amount I drink to a level where I won’t get a hangover. I was drinking a glass that held about 3 shots, which I have reduced to 2 and stick with one glass.
I can find things to do, other than drinking when bored, but I have to find a better way to deal with strong emotions. People around me have a bad day and get irritable. Then I react by becoming an anxious mess and drink to deal with the feeling. Or, I go to one of those meetups and get so nervous. Or, I had a long day and want to unwind.
So, here I am trying to decide what I want to do.
Stronger Than You Think 