Category Archives: Uncategorized

Depression sucks

depression, mental illness, suicide, Uncategorized, , , , ,

I don’t know if anyone else is like this, but I have trouble knowing how I feel.  I knew I was miserable and anxious, but until

depression

my therapist said I was depressed I did not notice.  Someone was trying to help me and asked what I get up for and my immediate response was “obligations”. I am there if I have to be, but otherwise I sleep my life away.

I had a terrible night Tuesday. Ruminating about the past and having suicidal thoughts- repetitively. I hardly slept googling different methods.  I could not figure out what to do, and then beat myself up because I am too stupid. I tried contacting people on the internet but no one is around at 3am.  Then, I thought it was a plot to ignore me to teach me a lesson.

Eventually daytime came. When it was a decent hour I texted my therapist and she called back.  I told her i was thinking about mistakes from the past and that because the past will never change i will always have these thoughts. I was hopeless, Sobbing like a child.  She tried calming me down and showed empathy. I did calm down some, enough to go to work. I was afraid I would start crying at work. I told my co-worker I was having a bad day, but I was there. And, I made it though the day.

I was drained that evening and slept through the night. I saw my psychiatrist today. Luckily, he did not overreact to the suicidal thoughts, they are gone right now, and just changed my medication a little. I am having trouble being hopeful. I feel pressure to stay well. I feel like I can’t get sick. That it would ruin everything.

The results are in

DNA, Dog, embark, Uncategorized, , ,

Raider ball

I had Raider’s DNA tested through @embarkvet .  He is:

32.5% Poodle (Small)
14.9% Cocker Spaniel
11.8% German Shepherd Dog
9.2% Chow Chow
6.0% Pekingese
25.6% Supermutt *
*What’s in that Supermutt? There may be small amounts of DNA from these distant ancestors:

You can see more here: EMBK.ME/RAIDER2

(I was told he was shih tzu X poodle by his previous owner)

His estimated weight is 33 lbs though and he is full grown and about 20. I don’t know how accurate that result usually is.

 

I am very pleased with the results. He is also clear of 165 genetic conditions.

I discovered he has a trait for low ALT (a liver enzyme they use to test liver function). It is not harmful, but it is useful to know so they can interpret his test results properly.

There is no need to fear me

schizoaffective, schizophrenia, Uncategorized, , , ,

AR15

 

Yes, I have a mental illness. A scary kind that starts with schiz…. But, I am not and never have been violent.  I am more likely to be the victim of a crime than the perpetrator. I am enough of a suicide risk, by that label alone, that I can not purchase life insurance.  I don’t want a gun.

There are laws in my state regulating that you may not possess a firearm for 5 years after an involuntary commitment.  I am fine with background checks that do not invade my privacy.

I know any marginalized group gets singled out when a member commits a crime. Especially one like mass murder. I dread after violent news that they will say …and he had a mental illness.

This young man. He was a man. Was radicalized in the United States by a white supremacy organization and committed an act of terrorism. How many of these attacks do we need before the government examines these terrorist groups like they do others.

We have so many problems with the mental health system. Not enough beds, people being homeless or imprisoned instead of hospitalized. Questionable housing. Trouble getting treatment or knowing you need treatment. I want so much for there to be proper funding.

But, fear and buying into a false sense of safety that if you just could keep the diagnosed mentally ill from purchasing guns all would be fine, is not an answer.  It may be part of the solution, but we need more action.

The suggestion from our school district is “If you see something, say something”. That does not make me feel very secure, either.  There were signs in this case, in many cases, and people did say something, and still it happened.

I am not any kind of expert and will not suggest that I have an answer.  I will be listening to survivors, pushing for more surveillance of homegrown terrorist groups and not demand a right to bear arms.

The Gift

Uncategorized, , ,

I go to a support group for people with mood disorders.  Moods are part of schizoaffective disorder. The moderator likes to refer to our illness as a ‘gift’. Like we have special powers. He believes he is more creative, has deeper feelings, and I don’t know what else. He even said he would not take a cure if he would lose these things.  He is definitely pro-med, pro-treatment. He also sees more positives than I do.

If there was a cure, I would jump at the chance.  The bad things, far outweigh any benefits. If this is a gift I want to return it.gift3

Dealing with Anxiety

anxiety, Uncategorized, , ,

imageI am suffering with constant anxiety. My stomach feels queasy and I am having trouble with shallow breathing.

I just started a new job and I think that is the issue. i am hoping once I settle in, it will stop.

My therapist suggested more exercise and mindfulness. My pdoc said to push through it, but he said i could increase my antipsychotic medication.  I have a number of coping skills, but I still feel miserable.

it is really tempting to drink in the evening. Anything to numb out.

DNA testing

DNA, Uncategorized, , , , , , ,

imageI have been interested in the different DNA tests available, like ancestry or 23andMe. (I am not endorsing any products).

At one time, I worked at a company that did DNA work.  I even met Francis Collins, one of the leaders of the human genome project, who was a consultant.

I was interested, but I was not sure if I wanted to have my dna results out there. What if they were used against me? That is not paranoia. Right now, there are laws against that. But, I think it is a legitimate fear.

Then I heard of Promethease. One of a number of websites that will analyze the raw data and compare it to scientific studies, mainly health related. I decided to give it a shot.

I ordered a kit from Ancestry.  I was not very interested in the heritage data, but I wanted the raw data results. You can get raw data from other dna kits, too. I have dry mouth from my medications, so it was not easy collecting the small saliva sample. Then I had to wait. It takes about 6 weeks. I found a distant relative, but for the most part the results were not too exciting.

Next, I downloaded the raw data from Ancestry and following the instructions, uploaded it on Promethease. It did not take long and I had MANY results.  They tell you what you are a risk for developing. It knew my eye color, diabetes, obesity ( I have what is called the fat gene). I have a number of genes associated with schizophrenia and one for bipolar and depression. It told me I am a risk for macular degeneration and breast cancer. I am sensitive to NSAIDS and caffeine. There are results about how you metabolize different medications.

23andMe has a health panel which gives similar results, but the Promethease analysis was free in Dec and is not expensive. I think it is regularly $10.

There are so many results, it is hard for me to read it all.

 

I was pleased enough with the results, I am having my dog dna tested, now. You can’t do anything with the raw data, but they give breed and health info.  You can share the results with your vet, too. (I don’t think my dr would want to look at my results). I am in the process of waiting until March.

 

 

 

 

 

Where is my muse?

Uncategorized

I have not had any inspiration to write for 6 months. I don’t know why.  I feel inhibited, worying about any repercussions, but there is more.  Nothing comes to me. My mind is blank.

i am going to make some short entries. Maybe, more  ideas will come. (I hope so)

I have a dog

Dog, Pets, Uncategorized,

Raider

I have been lookng for a dog that matches with my family and I finally found one.  He is a poodle/shih tzu mix. His previous owner was moving to an apartment that does not accept dogs.

He has made himself at home and seems to be adjusting well.

It will be good for me to have to get up to walk him. And he is comforting

My children are teenagers and excited that he is here.

I am excited to go shopping for him  tomorrow. We have food and some suppies already.
I found a website with a forum on dogs called http://www.dogforum.com